Part 1
16 years ago, at the peak of my career at a high-tech company, an unexpected event happened, and it turned the world upside down for me and our family. Just like that!
My daughter was born prematurely at 26 weeks, weighing only 730 grams. Weight not recorded. Third daughter after 2 children who were born on time and at a normal weight (we spent a day or two in the hospital with them and then she went home).
Being hospitalized in a premature baby hospital for 4 months and the growth process we went through with her over the years led me to change many focuses in life, including my field of work. When I meet parents of premature babies, I see – even though each one comes from a different background or sector, they all (all of us..) have a common denominator…
The word expired says it all…
I am Liat Graf Afran, a mother to a (graduated) child, a volunteer at the LHV, and a certified psychotherapist.
The issue of parenting premature babies is so important to me. I feel a sense of mission to bring it to public awareness, to talk about it, to help parents of premature babies process the experience of birth, to go through the harrowing journey of parenting a premature baby, to practice inclusive and loving parenting,
And move from crisis to hope despite the accompanying difficulties and uncertainty!
As parents, there is a lot of loneliness along the way.
We didn't know which way to look, we didn't know if it would survive.
What a life she will have
Life forced us to face reality!
So we coped somehow…
But we were left with scars,
We didn't know what would happen, and what else awaited us...
During the first years of premature baby growth,
Parents experience a range of emotions such as:
High stress, guilt, anxiety, depression and even post-traumatic stress disorder.
Parents of premature babies experience a huge gap between the anticipation and fantasy of their baby and the new reality.
This gap is experienced as loss and chaos in many ways.
In recent years, there has been a bit more awareness of therapeutic intervention, which is designed to help balance and process the emotional state of parents of premature babies, but there is still a long way to go until parents feel that they are not alone, that there will be enough awareness of the issue, and that there will be professionals who will help them process the unique experience of birth and parenting premature babies. It is equally important that parents receive tools to cope in the present and for the future.
In the coming weeks, I will expand and tell in a series of posts about more emotional aspects and coping tools of parenting premature babies.
Stay tuned.
https://www.liat-ga-psychotherapy.com
Part 2
So, as I wrote a little in the previous post, when a premature baby is born, the parents are "thrown" into the world of premature babies, often without preparation. Just like that, suddenly.
Often without knowing this world at all.
Hospitals provide excellent medical care for premature babies. They are professional and experienced, but by virtue of their role, they are focused on medical care but are not always aware that the parents are in shock and experiencing a crisis - and therefore, are left alone in the situation. Furthermore, even if there is (and there is not always) a response from psychologists in the premature baby's hospital, this response is spotty and usually does not continue after the premature baby is discharged from the hospital.
So what happens after you're released from the military? Welcome to your new world, which is not the world you expected and intended. Sometimes very far from it.
I remember us, a couple with a 4-month-old baby girl, who weighed 2 kg, leaving the hospital with a light basket, getting into the car and actually...driving with all our anxieties, towards an unknown and unfamiliar future.
How much uncertainty, tests, surveillance, question marks, fears and anxieties.
In fact, we waited for 4 months to come home with our baby, and then we realized that this is where it all begins.
This unknown can be divided into several dimensions:
- Physical health – ensuring the baby’s survival, well-being, and mental growth
- The relationship, the children at home (if any), the extended family, friends and the environment
- The perception of the role of parenting prematurely and the meanings derived from it
I want to expand in this section on the dimension of physical health:
A week after my discharge, I went to see the pediatrician for the first time. He did an initial examination of my daughter. I was nervous and waited for the examination to be over to hear his opinion. He finished with a big smile and told me –
- Okay. The baby is cute, but you know I can't say anything right now.
- What does that mean?
- You know that until she is a year old it will not be possible to tell whether she will have CP (cerebral palsy) or not.
- But I see her moving her limbs all the time.
- It doesn't mean anything. At this point, nothing can be known.
- shock
When I talk about the dimension of physical health, I mean questions like: Will the baby survive even after leaving the hospital? Will she gain weight? Will she grow? What "leftovers" will she carry with her into adulthood? What kind of life will she have? And for us?
And even if we do our best to be the best caregivers, can we ensure her successful growth? Ensure she develops? Will she be okay? There is a real fear of everything, she is so small, will she survive and thrive?
When I am asked, why should parents seek emotional therapy? I have so much to say, but if I were to summarize it in one sentence, I would say that – to not feel alone with this experience.
If a professional would listen and include us as parents... if someone would tell us about the path that awaits us... that there is a lot of difficulty but also room for hope, that if we have the strength and resilience, the path might be more optimistic.
If someone had given us a sense of companionship and hope, shared with us the experiences of others, and equipped us with the tools to cope, the path could have been a little less difficult and certainly less lonely.
Today, as a psychotherapist, in the clinic, I meet parents who manage to pave the way from crisis to hope. In therapy, we deal with:
Raising the parents' sense of ability to raise the baby and look forward with hope and love to the shared growth and development of the premature baby, alongside the challenges along the way.
Processing the birth experience,
Empathy for the parents' vulnerability and fear for the baby's life
Holding parental anxieties in the present and toward the future
Coping with the human existential fear of the end of life
Today I know it could have been better. – I know it could have been easier, less stressful.
I feel a sense of mission to care for and help parents of premature babies.
The treatment provides an effective response to the unmet needs of early parenting.
Next time I will expand on the 2 additional dimensions and the method of treatment, and how it can help.
Stay tuned.
