It was a normal day, in the afternoon of Thursday, 15.1.15. You have been in my stomach for 30 weeks and one more day 🙂 Yesterday I was at the doctor who checked you and me and said everything was normal. I was sitting in the living room and working on the computer, when suddenly I felt something ooze between my legs. I went to the bathroom and saw blood. a lot of blood At that second I felt panic and I was very worried about you.
I immediately called my father, who was less frightened than I was and said that I should go and check in the emergency room. I got organized quickly, stressed, scared and afraid that something would happen to you.
Grandparents picked me up. The way to the hospital, which took less than ten minutes, seemed like an eternity to me. The thought that accompanied me the whole time was "just don't let something happen to you". I was worried about you.
We arrived at the maternity ward, everyone around me had a belly much bigger than mine, you were still tiny in my belly. We waited for a nurse and a doctor's examination, when we were admitted they took my blood for tests and connected me to a monitor.
I heard your heart beating. I breathed a sigh of relief. In the meantime, additional tests were performed. Nurses and doctors came in and out endlessly. I started to feel you a little less. I started to stress. The atmosphere around me was also tense. The nurses were not happy with the results of my tests, and at the same time your pulse sounds less good than before.
I was very worried about you. I was so scared in those moments that the doctors and nurses shouted all kinds of things over my head, while I lay connected to the monitor. It was really stressful. I wanted to feel you kicking again, responding to my caresses and singing "Goliath". Then I heard them say the words "emergency surgery".
I think those were the scariest moments I've experienced in my life so far. I thought to myself - what surgery?!? I just started at 31 weeks! How will you survive outside my womb?!?
From the moment I heard that couplet, I heard nothing more. The doctor and the nurses tried to explain and came to sign me, grandparents tried to calm me down. And me? I haven't heard anyone. I was worried about you. I was stressed and worried how will you live outside your mother's womb at 31 weeks?!? I was quickly led to the operating room. I remember that dad just came running and managed to give me a kiss at the entrance to the operating room. I was afraid . I was very scared! The doctor who accompanied me from the reception did not leave me and tried to reassure and explain. They moved me to a very cold metal bed and everyone was shouting around, you must have been scared when you heard the shouts. It was a frightening, stressful and anxiety-inducing spectacle. I was very cold, and they started stripping me and preparing me for surgery.
I so wanted us to go through the experience of getting to know each other in a different way. We even met with our doula, who was supposed to help us meet in a natural way, without unnecessary interventions. I never imagined I would meet you the way we did.
I was not conscious when they took you out of the stomach because I was sedated, but I can guess that you were very scared. Mom wasn't there to hug you. Only the doctors and all kinds of devices that helped you breathe.
The next time I was awake, we were no longer together. I woke up in the recovery room, sore and tired. Dad came in to see me and so did grandparents. They told me you were fine. I smiled and fell asleep. The next time I woke up I was in another room. I asked to see you and they told me that you are on a different floor and only when I feel well and can sit alone, I will be able to reach you in a wheelchair. All this happened at night.
I wanted to see you so much that I constantly practiced getting out of bed and sitting down. It seems like an eternity to me. I wanted to see you so much. You are my baby! I tried again and again, only to be approved to get off the bed and come to you. The next day, I really managed to sit up despite all the pain, I just wanted them to take me to you! Father drove me in a wheelchair and we arrived at "Pegiya". I have never visited Pagiya. Father explained the rules to me, that you must wash your hands upon entering, sanctify with blue liquid and wear a robe. I agreed to everything, just let me see my baby! I wore a robe, and while dad was pushing me in a chair, I started seeing tiny babies in incubators.
Then... Dad stopped the chair in front of an incubator where you lay naked, breathing with lots of tubes and a monitor beeping above your head.
No. This is not how I dreamed we would meet for the first time.
I did not know what to do.
I looked at you and you looked so small, helpless and you could barely see your face because it was covered in tubes and tapes. A very nice nurse explained that there is a special opening where you can put your hand. It felt very strange to me that I can't feel you on me, hug, or hold you. The nurse opened the incubator window and I reached out. It's the first time we've felt each other outside of the womb. You felt warm and cozy. And it seems that the contact was pleasant for you too.
Only after 3(!!!) days did they agree to take you out so I could hold you. It was a very complicated operation because you were connected with a lot of wires.
And so, 3 days after you were taken out of the womb, we felt each other's body again. It was the most exciting feeling there is! I was excited and very happy to feel you and that you feel me again.
Over the next 74 days, I spent most of the day in labor.
I was hospitalized two floors above you and visited you all the time. It was difficult for me to see hospitalized mothers with me bringing the baby to the room and even more difficult was the day of my release. I saw mothers leaving the hospital with the baby, and I left empty handed.
The hardest moment of every day was leaving you in the crib and going home. It happened every night! All night I waited for morning to come so I could meet you again.
During the hospitalization at the hospital, you grew up, and learned to breathe on your own and eat without a feeding tube.
Mother knew friends, without whom this period would have been much more difficult. We still meet them and your friends from Pagya and we will probably continue when you are older.
That period of prematurity was accompanied by a lot of crying, excitement, learning, familiarity, patience, moments of happiness, and above all, a lot of love.
My Golan, you are the champion of champions!!! my hero!
Moran Witkowski-Rees, MA
Educational consultant specializing in early childhood